Journeying through but not alone
Talking with my mother and my dear friend Sarah tonight, both asked me the same kinds of questions yes I found myself very unable to answer for lack of adequate vocabulary and understanding. Even now there's a desire to let go of all of this, lie in bed, and pray for understanding but I'm finding that part of this journey is the expression of a story. Though it's quite difficult to write everything when time is crunched (school has kicked off so my bedtime is drawing very near) I think at least beginning is important. Let's begin with the hear and now and then slowly jump back in time. Recently, the same conversation seems to originate with numerous people, each typically being from a different background and setting, who are all relating the same kinds of thoughts in very diverse but similar fashions. These thoughts all revolve around the same hunger... a desire to know God and be know by God more intimately and express that passion, that faith, through prayer, worship, just their very lives in a more and more genuine way. However, as I talk with more and more people they seem trapped in one of a variety of pools. They either have this hunger but have not a clue as to where it comes from or where to go with it - others have this hunger but seem unaffected by it, meaning they at least express it but their lives mask that feeling and it's far from a reality except in a subconscious way. This one intriques me quite a bit because it's almost similar to the seeds being sown and the weeds entangling these people's desires as soon as they're able to express them. The third pool that seems apparent is a recognition of the hunger, an ability or inability to express that a hunger, and an unsettling feeling at leaving things be the way they are currently. All this begs the question, where am I and who am I? This is the journey that I'm trying to discover and help others discover and while I haven't always been alone in this...and I'm not alone now, there are times when I feel very alone and long for the community that I once new.
Let's suppose the best place to move now is to hear my story up to a point. In college I existed within a dynamic community of people. Their lives, their hopes, their relationships, their identity was not only the individual but also the community. Lives were not pretty - many had the ugly stains of broken hopes, dreams that had shattered as a result of taking things into their own hands, past scars that were far from their fault but in all this their was a community of love based off of the person Jesus Christ. Living in that environment was dynamic for all of us because out of that fellowship together pointed at Christ came a deep and powerful ministry. It was extremely organic and living life the way it was meant to be lived is just what you did. We worshipped. We prayed. We met. We broke bread. We had relationship with those all around us. There were times I wondered, not to be too Field of Dreamish, if this is what Heaven felt like.
Nearing the end of my time there I witnessed more and more friends, being younger than many friends, leave that community to begin work. Friend after friend I watched fall apart as the powerful community, ministry, life of Christ they had known in college was far from represented in the daily lives of people around them and far from represented from people who they called brothers and sisters. They went from lives very integrated with Christ and one another to lives there were very compartmentalized. It seemed that they now had their work life and their I go to church on sunday life/have social activities with people who also have a I go to church on sunday segmented life. The maddening part was the deep pain and hunger these people felt mixed with a growing and growing sense they expressed of contentment of this reality since they believed or perceived it as the only possibly reality. Expecting this sad fate for myself, and experiencing a bit during my engagement and student teaching, I prepared for the worst and spent time telling others in my college community to know that living in Christ after school may not be the way we were thought it would. It especially saddened me to watch Annie go through very much this same thing in Rochester and I longed to see her rescued from that... and prayed deliverance for myself, hoping that God would find me before I too lost Him to a life that so closely appears to have Him centered in a nice and cozy box.
Much to my surprise I became involved in a community that expressed faith and reality in a way which brought life - I use the term reality because that's what it was and is. In college, life is very much reality but it also isn't. I had no clue what it meant to live my life in an environment that wasn't accepting to expressing my faith in a way that I felt pleased the Lord and made him famous to the world around me. I also was not aware of what it meant to have true responsibility and exist in the world. College protected me from both of those. The amazing part of this is the Lord's blessing to provide a community that not only expressed faith in a way that I felt God was calling me towards but was also on this journey of faith... unlike many of my friends, I wasn't alone. While I've never felt God abandoned any of us, there is a sense, because I've noticed it in myself these last two years, where I see the weight of life and wideness of gates leading to death, that have shrunk heart after heart of people whom I love...leaving me to wonder where is God at times but also seeing Him chase after all of us.
So, tonight, I only express this part of the story because I'm finding myself in relationship after relationship with people who long to worship the Lord and express that faith but only find discouragement and confusion. I keep searching for answers but time and time again I keep hearing the Lord calling me to prayer...I ask you to pray for this city that we could seek the Lord's face and discover what he longs for from us here in this time and place.
2 Comments:
Wow.
Tyler,
I have many similar thoughts. Isn't it interesting how valuable community really is? I've been reading the Gospels again and listening to what Jesus said about the Spirit-filled life; I think this aspect of our faith fills in the gap between that desire and really "getting" it on a daily basis if you will... understanding, on a heart level, the love of God and his desire for us to walk intimately with him and not only that, but then having the actual ability to do it! He is the vine... We cannot do it apart from him. It's amazing. Similarly, I long for some of my friends to experience him in ways you've mentioned and experience a deepening sadness as I see some of them walking away or walking in a way that lacks joy, power and heart/life transformation. I see how prone I am to living in light of my brokenness instead of Jesus' redemption and continue to ask God to move in the midst of my heart and my life.
All to say, I appreciate your post and the opportunity to think more about this on this Monday morning. I love that you share that prayer is vital, too - we're in the midst of a 40 Day fast/prayer for campuses around the globe. I think the Lord is doing something. :) I hope you are well!
Post a Comment
<< Home