Sober Lives
The consistency at which I blog or even communicate with anyone outside of work lately is little to zilch unless you gave birth to me...that's about the only person with whom I connect on a regular basis. This, sadly, includes myself. The other person I've highly connected with lately is a variety of music that seems, whether melodically, lyrically, or a combination of both. One of these being the lyrics from the song 'sober.' The summer was an amazing time as I reflect. Though the entirity doesn't appear to have produced much in terms of experience it revealed some vital values inside my heart. The most important is the idea of rest. Since graduating college there seems this general disappointment with the depth of life for me in terms of language. I recall having in depth conversation after conversation with a variety of people (probably because my life was filled with useless drama most days - created by yours truly). As life has come more face to face with reality the truth is, I'm tired, my friends are tired, the whole world is tired - the result is there isn't space for much else, ourselves, others, God, nothing ... space is gone. This value was revitalized within me this summer and I've finally come to understand, in a more complete way, what recharges my life. Discovering this is still an ongoing journey, but it's exciting. Perhaps we all have different ways of reconnecting to ourselves...my own is through complete and utter solitude - which at points can produce death or life depending on how I use it. For the most part though it produces a lot more life. Solitude is almost more vital for energy, creativity, and my ability to connect in relationship with anyone more than food or rest.
The rub is realizing that there's not a lot of space in lives for that ... this week alone I racked up sixty hours just being in the classroom, that excludes grading, lessons, etc that I'll work on this weekend. It's quite amazing, that's an easy week. Working that much where is the time for space? By the time it's over I'm more or less done. The lives with whom I interact are much the same so it's no wonder we're all drained and walking around half alive. Space and rest are vital and we're all, for the most part, slowly dying long before our time. Whether we want to face this reality, change it, or whatever...it's reality.
So, here's to a melancholy blog huh? These days I'm flashed with all kinds of mysteries of nostalgia as I look out the windows but I'm filled with joy at memories of long ago, people, places, they rush over me and bring a smile. Here's to a weekend and seeing where life leads in the midst of a face that has bloodshot eyes. Perhaps somewhere in this physical and emotional weakness will come strength from the grace of God.
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
1 Comments:
I find that I can connect to my inner self while attending a baseball game. The game seems to make things slow down and come into focus. I think that stems from my playing days and the concentration it took to stay in the game. Dad
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