Where to take the next step...
Solitude
Originally uploaded by andebos.
Could one person have any more things on their mind that they want to blog about? I honestly do not know. I have sermons, random thoughts and ideas, love and relationships, teaching, God, friends...wow a ton. So I apologize up front because this entry may take more tangents than a living persons mind and body can logically or even physically handle - you head just might be split from your body! Oh and I have a ton of quotes that I want to add at the end - so prep yourself.
The biggest matza ball on my plate these days is the combination of work and figuring out plans for next year...really the issue that's behind the issue is: Who am I? What is my identity? Because I have come to the harsh reality that we are all lied to about our identity on a daily basis. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we don't - and depneding on the day...you either fight these lies or resign to them and settle in the lie of who you aren't...usually resulting in some sort of sin and action you would normally or logically hate.
I am confronted with the idea of where I want to go next year and where I am able to go next year...I have never been so divided in all my life! Let me explain. My options are basically a few locations at the moment, to be realistic. They are Boston (number one pick), Colorado, North Carolina, Minnesota, and Arizona. I guess with all this decision, which brings me to the point that at this time there is no choice because I haven't been offered a job anywhere as yet - when I get an offer then I should weigh these issues. Anyway, all this decision has made me realize I really don't know myself or what I want anymore - augh!! Which is wild because I felt I used to know exactly what I want...and perhaps I still do but since I cannot have that I am left with these other options which could be #1's as well...but I spent so much time wanting something else it makes this difficult. Basically here it is - I spent so much time combining my life and where it was headed with Annie's life...when the reality of that shattered I was left with dreams and hopes that could never again happen. I had to reevaluate my own heart and figure out what I wanted in life, without her. Which is fine, I used to know...but I worked really hard on learning to love her and compromise my heart to form love and a relationship. So now that I reached the point of figuring out what we both wanted...it's gone. And now I need to figure out what I want. Part of me doesn't know anymore. Honestly there is a huge part of me that wants to move to Minnesota. Why? I think there are two reasons - one, I really grew to love it up there...and two I think I shared so many good memories that it makes it difficult to decipher if it's the memories or the place I love. Here is what's going to happen though...I am going to put out my applications and apply for licensure like crazy and see who bites and wants me. Afterwards I will make a decision and make a committment to that place for two years, pending something dramatic happening requiring me to leave. So I would appreciate any prayers you all can shoot out for me in this journey of my life. I would really like to end up in Boston with Dusty and Mike and Kendra, but I have legitimate fears. First, it won't happen and I'll be left sad. Two, I'll go there and be lonely or not find a church or not feel that it's where I was supposed to end up. I need to trust in the prayers and power of God. Any ideas or suggestions you all can offer on my journey next year or on who I am, I will really appreciate. I think I have too many things on the old mind and too many things to discuss or blog about - where is the person with whom I shared all my deepest thoughts and theirs? I remember those conversations well...what a miss of friendship.
"The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams"
"Everybody's at war with different things...I'm at war with my own heart sometimes."
-Tupac Shakur
posted by andebos at 10:35 PM
2 Comments:
alright shutup! now listen! all the points you brought up are improtant/major concerns i know. but when it comes down to it you need to make a decision without worrying so much about wheather or not it's the right one. no... shut your mouth and listen. let me explain that. yes you want to make the "right choice" or at least what you think it is. ultimately you won't know til after yo make it. like i said this wekend, if boston is the number one choice then you should do what you can but you just need to go for it. take the chance, if you don't you'll spend all you're time trying to make sure it the right place, and you'll never leave liberty because too much time has passed, or you've become too afraid. whatever you do it will impact your life a greaat deal. if you're trying to figure out who you are then you should get away from the familiar. and just remember that strange women laying about in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a government.
Yep yep, I have to agree with Matty boy there. You never know until you try. Do you always want to live thinking, well, this is good, but what if I had gone to Boston? That would have been awesome. Sometimes you just have to try things to figure out whether or not it's where God's leading you, or even whether or not it's where you want to be led. Don't just grab the bull by the horns, grab it by the balls. That will give you a much better story in the end. Whatever that means.
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