This Years Love

Life pulls out funny turns from time to time, things you thought were lock solid are not always as they appear. I've heard these little problems are worthy beause they expose what's really going on behind the scenes. For instance, when I didn't think I would have a job or a place to live in Boston - I realized just how much I wanted those things...and where my trust and hope were. A friend of mine is travelling abroad to study in a few weeks. He had many difficulties in receiving a visa, not anything he had done or not done, but just trouble. I think these problems really illustrated to him just how much he wanted to go. Oddly enough, when he did get that visa...that exposed his heart as well - he finally saw his fears at having to step up to the plate and go, much like I felt when I received my job. The other day, I received some news that exposed what I was thinking...I don't think it was a surprise by any means, the news or the way I felt. On the other hand, the way I felt disappointed me a bit because I was hoping that wasn't the way I felt. I've decided I am a person that acts out of passion, I live in my head, but I act out of passion from somewhere else. I've grown a lot this year to realize that emotions and actions are very seperate things...your emotions don't define you, however, how you react to them does - at least for me. I wanted to feel a certain way because it would help me act a certain way, yet I didn't feel that way, and now I've got to fight against that to act the way I want to act. I love the drama routes because they're exciting and they make good stories for television, but they make life hell. Therefore, the whole drama bit is going out the door. It's time to begin living in a thankful manner, an encouraging manner, a life of love to people that don't love me back the way I want. I enjoyed living like an adult this year...and want to continue. Basically, all these things that trouble us, are rarely outside influences. Our difficulties originate inside our own hearts...and people's attempts at any form of help - come unwanted because the only person that can help, is ourselves and God...and ultimately, us realizing who we really are. A good friend tole me yesterday this story that really stuck. It's a story of a man who makes a decision about whether to go to the olympics and swim with the US team, or go to harvard for school and swimming. If he goes with the team then he loses his scholarship at harvard. It's a tough call and in the end he decides to pick school over the olympics. A few months later, while he is at school, the team is winning the gold and someone says to him, "That could have been you up there winning the gold." He responded, "If you're a nobody without a gold medal, you're still a nobody with a gold medal." Figuring out ourselves, what we want and who we are is so important. We can't be looking to other people to complete us. When we do that we drain them and ourselves in desperation - we have to figure out ourselves alone. I spent a large part of my life with someone who didn't know who she was or what she wanted - and I didn't either...all we did was confuse each other. It was a fantastic friendship, but it was hard because we didn't know where we were going alone, let alone together. This year was so beneficial because I began to figure myself out and put myself back together. There is no definite way to know what will happen with my life - things could come back together, apart, or who knows, but the point is - I'm reassured in continuing to figure myself out. I'll probably never be complete - but I'm going to keep trying to discover life, love, and myself...despite the set backs and shake ups. I wish my friend the best in her endeavors, she was a good friend, a great friend. Now, as far as this entry - I once wrote a paper in college where our only goal was - to figure out as many things as we wanted to do before we turn 65. I need to reflect and figure out who I am and what I want...therefore, these next series of blogs are dedicated in searching out the person I am...God lead me in putting together the pieces I thought were apart, because the truth is, they're all together...I just allowed myself to believe I was a wreck - but the truth is, I'm all here, I just need to do some searching and not grasping. I urge each of you to do the same...especially before you jump into things that give you the opportunity to grasp, and not search.