Threads

frodo
Originally uploaded by andebos.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? When, in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep. That have taken hold."
J.R.R Tolkien

It's funny coming back to an old life that in a way accepts you for who you have become but doesn't recognize you anymore. Though you are new, there's a part, more of a shell, of the old person that does not quite fit with who you have grown into over time. These memories, these friends, these places, these loves...they all are held in fond memory - but they are just that, memories. They cannot still be for the more things remain the same the less they ever change. I look at my life here and it's interesting to see who I am now versus who I was then. Merging the two lives is as uncomfortable and difficult for me as it is for those around me. They see what I see as well. That no matter how much I try, and try to understand the reasons, the two will never be one in the whole again - and while there's a thankfulness for this truth there is also a sadness. I suppose it derives from the desire for things to be as they once were - or at least to be what they have changed into in this new environment...but all that is impossible. The most we can hope for is to find a common thread is the newness we have found apart from one another.

I sometimes wonder about this idea of wounds going too deep that they have taken ahold of us. It's been almost a year now and yet there's still this emptiness that bitterness tries to fill. Perhaps emptiness is the wrong word. Basically it's a sadness at the hope of what might have been intertwined with the confusion of what was supposed to be...I worry that this wound has taken hold of me too deeply. And that in my heart of hearts there will always be a small pain that can never truly love or be loved in return. Very different from a wall or barrier it is a wound that will hold us until the hereafter takes these pains away. Forgiveness is no easy task but I have found there is a harder, and maybe impossible, task that lies before each of us that is hurt in this life. That is possessing the hope, strength, and circumstances to become either better than we were, or at least the same as before, we were ever hurt. I think this is extremely hard because the pain is untouchable to us. We cannot heal it and our petty believe that we can only makes it worse. Letting go is the only solution I have found - moving on to other journeys and hopes...living in a way that remembers but no longer holds on. The sadness in that thought is it means sacrificing the things that were once closest to you. More plainly, letting go of the ones that hurt you, because you realize the love for them is strong enough to let you go. I guess that's what it means in my situation - only time will tell. "There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep. That have taken hold." Can I go back to the threads of an old life? I beleive, and am beginning to truly understand in my heart, that there is no going back...yet in my dreams I wish for it