Oh, The Places You Will Hide

trees_people
Originally uploaded by andebos.

"You Know, I once read in interesting book. It said that most people lost in the wilds, they - they die of shame. What? Yeah. See, they die of shame. What did I do wrong? How could I have gotten myself into this? So they sit there, and they die because they didn't do the one thing which would have saved their lives. And what is that, Charles? Thinking."

This quote is from an Anthony Hopkins movie I watched today entitled The Edge. I really find this movie interesting because you have two men enticed towards hopelessness and desperation. Each is enticed differently - one through guilt and personal ambition...the other through loss of everything he has in the end. However, through it all, Hopkins character always focuses on moving on...looking towards the positive, and not getting stuck in the misery of a painful situation. I've thought about this a lot today. I know in my life I am someone who spends a great majority of time and energy reflecting inwardly in this manner. A friend of mine shared that he has typically noticed this in me. I am not a person that rides the emotional roller coaster when tough times strike - most things stay inside and I am capable of maintaining the typical realities of life. I was told that this is helpful and detrimental. I dont allow these incidents to totally move me but because of this I don't move on either.

Inwardly I continue to look back asking myself questions on the lines of coulda, shoulda, woulda. I shouldn't have allowed this aspect of my life...I could have done this differently and now things would be different. I wish that had enver happened. I spend all this time lying in shame and self-pity. I would say that these feelings are a little bit different than self-pity for just feeling sorry for yourself. Basically you begin to believe these lies and questions. It really is shame. It's a shame in your identity. You feel that you are unworthy of being called "the beloved" but again they are lies. We can't sit around and do nothing...otherwise we do just sit around and die...inwardly. And if we're dead on the inside we are likewise dead on the outside. What happens on the inside of a person reflects outwardly.

I've learned now that their is a delicate balance between analyzing the pain and moving through the pain. There is a certain level where we need to analyze the pain and distinguish the realities versus the illusions we have told ourselves. Once we have done this we can begin to move...and move we must. For me solitude has been one of the major things to begin moving - because in there we begin to find our own identity again as opposed to lies about ourselves. There are a lot of things that go in to moving on and I cannot say that I know them exactly - but I'm learning. And that is a start. Most of all - we can't allow ourselves to sit around and die of shame when there are so many people out there they need our love and love us.