Awaiting the Possibilities

boston223, originally uploaded by andebos.

Within the last week I have officially spent more money than I ever would have imagined was required of this journey. I'm beginning the process of applying, and hopefully moving, to Boston for the next year of my life and career. I talked with a friend last week and it was fun to hear her loudly say, "you're going!" when I told someone "if I get a job in Boston." I have realized more than ever that this truly is a step in faith. Hopefully I'm stepping out toward where God wants me. This is still unclear. Yet, that is also the best part! You see - I get to apply, put myself out there, and at that point it's virtually out of my hands. Unlike other areas of my life, I have no choice but to utterly release and surrender the possibillities of the future. Hence, awaiting the possibilities. Here is how the finances have roughly broken down in the last few days:

$250 airline tickets
+ $250 certification tests
------------------
faith and trust

In my head that's how I'm liking to think about it. Especially when I realize what else that money could have gone towards. On that note I'd like to become someone that could give that kind of money away randomly to those who need it. Pray that God would move me into the character of such a man.

I'm really eager about the thought of living in Boston next year. It's not an anxious or nervous feeling either. It's a feeling of restoration, hopefulness, and freedom. I suppose, in my mind, that KC has unfortunately represented the scraps of a lost dream. I hate that this is the representation of home to me - and it is slowly disappearing, especially as I become more a part of community at Jacob's Well. I am only now realizing how intertwined my dreams were when I was engaged. At first I thought moving was running away - but it's not - that I am sure of now. Claudia mentioned a great idea the other day. I still have in my possession our, or, Annie's (well I guess no one's now - though I still consider it hers in mind, more reason to get rid of it) engagement ring. This is a symbolization of my old life - of what might have been. And it represents the beginning of a new life. I'm going to try and sell it, which is a ton of money, and use it to get started with a new life it that possibility presents itself. Even if it doesn't, what an amount of money to invest!
I'll talk about that later. Anyway, I'm flying out to Boston in a few weeks and then again in May. I think these trips will be huge - I'm not sure what to expect...part of me doesn't want to expect anything. A clean slate is truly what I want in my life right now. I don't look towards Boston to fulfill lost dreams, or hopes in any particular way. I suppose after our engagement was broken I felt a huge disapproval from God - or at least taking a major step out of the plans he had for us. Now I'll be the first to admit that I know God's love covered us through all this - and He still has amazing plans for us both...I guess Boston just gives me a sense that he really does have plans for my life, as well as hers.

Point Being - hope I get to work and live in Boston next year!