The Purchase

I Tried
Originally uploaded by andebos.

I bought Smallville Season 3 tonight!! Oh yes, been awaiting this day for quite some time now. My roommates and I watched the first two episodes..."they were excellent." "Zang!" (that's for you Gugg)

I really enjoy this show, perhaps too much. At the end of the episode Clark kinda broke it off with Lana. Basically because he didn't want to hurt her again; he knew he could only hurt her given enough time. That and he knew the dark side of himself as well, and couldn't take Lana seeing him that way. I look at myself and fear that same fear. Will the woman I love ever view the evilness in me with such disgust? I've actually been there - she found it ugly...how much more I despised myself afterwards. But as Lana left, Clark said something I found very interesting. He told her, "I wanted this so much! All last year I tried so hard to be the right guy for you. But I'm not. This will never work." While leaving, Lana replied, "Clark, you never had to try."

My roommates and I discussed this a bit in the end. We concluded that the chemistry between two people is either there or it's not. If you have to try to make someone love you, then something is wrong...and I am starting to believe it could never be right. You can't make yourself into something for somone - or change yourself so that you will be a fit for them...so you will benefit them and be 'right' for them. You can't make someone love you, it grows out of a naturality - if that's a word. Nor can you try to make yourself change so that you'll be the perfect person for another, no matter how deeply your heart loves them. I know because I tried. A good lesson for you die hard romantics...or those still holding onto the dream out there - if you gotta try, something is wrong. The outcome of trying in the end: You will find yourself believing that love is earned, not a thing of grace...and that one small mess up will remove that love from you. In all basics, you begin to believe love towards you is a conditional state. Don't find yourself roaming those paths - they lead to no great thing. I fear the pain I endured and the pain I caused her to endure - a journey neither of us should have ever been faced with. Whatsoever the fault or cause, it's in the past and hopefully we have become better for it. And in the end, well Smallville rocks!!! Can't wait for tomorrow's episode.

My mentor told me today that I am sad - noticeably. Funny I hadn't noticed. She said, "Though I haven't know you a real long time, I can tell something is wrong inside - you're not completely yourself these days." I know she's right. Lately my dreams have been filled with sadness - two nights I have had horrific dreams and awaken crying. How does that work? One dream I dreamt I had to kill my dog, the other I prefer not to talk about...partly because I can't remember and part because it's mine to withold. My stomach and chest have been tight and my mind drifts upon events that haven't unfolded combined with memories and friends long since gone. I am questioning what it is that's on my mind - it's definitely subconscious...but it's there and bothering me lately - to the point that it slightly affects a small piece of everything. I am not pleased with the man I am today - or choices I have made. I expect more from myself and my heart. Hopefully I will overcome myself, my greatest advesary. Do you know what puzzles me? What haunts the back part of my mind and dreams? If so please share....hopefully it won't creep up too quickly? Christmas is just around the bend, does it have to do with that? Gifts Gifts Gifts
Have a terrific week - to all my separated Smallvillians - peace and grace to you!! Love ya

"I will go down with this ship. I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door...I'm in love and always will be. I will go down with this ship...I won't put my hands up and surrender..."